As a former swimmer myself, I can say I enjoy the Olympic
swimming more than most people. It makes
me feel like I have a special connection since I once swam the 50 free and own
a pair of goggles. In 2008, I also
pretended to be a much better swimmer than I was so that I could get my own 3 -minute segment story (literally starring me) on ABC 6 Action News of how I work as hard as Michael Phelps because he
is my role model. I like to think I understand the difficulty of their training regarding both physical and mental stamina…then I remember that I quit the swim team
with 3 weeks left of my senior year. And
then I remember that if anyone made me swim more than 4 laps, lifeguards
started getting ready for action.
We’ll just chalk it all up to cognitive dissonance.
Anyway, anyone who is not in a coma should know that the big
show to watch is the Lochte vs. Phelps showdown in the 200 and 400 IM. In the pool, I am an adoring fan of both of
them and could not care less which way the race goes. Outside of the pool is a different
story. Let’s talk about Lochte vs.
Phelps: The Men Behind the Goggles. Who is TRULY the winner of something bigger
than the Olympics?: LIFE.
Category 1: Fashion
Winner: Lochte
FUN FACT: Lochte owns over 130 pairs of shoes.
FUN FACT: Lochte has his own amateur clothing line.
FUN FACT: If Lochte could be anything but an Olympic swimmer, he’d work in the fashion industry. When the man isn’t donning a banana hammock, he’s the best dressed athlete at the games. Ralph Lauren chose him as a model for the ceremonies for the opening ceremonies because he has tied the gap between the world of athletics and aesthetics. With the amount of track suits I’ve seen Michael Phelps in, I can’t help but wonder if he thinks this is a 70’s disco. He can’t even hold a candle to the pride Lochte takes in his appearance. Which brings me to my next point…
FUN FACT: Lochte has his own amateur clothing line.
FUN FACT: If Lochte could be anything but an Olympic swimmer, he’d work in the fashion industry. When the man isn’t donning a banana hammock, he’s the best dressed athlete at the games. Ralph Lauren chose him as a model for the ceremonies for the opening ceremonies because he has tied the gap between the world of athletics and aesthetics. With the amount of track suits I’ve seen Michael Phelps in, I can’t help but wonder if he thinks this is a 70’s disco. He can’t even hold a candle to the pride Lochte takes in his appearance. Which brings me to my next point…
Category 2: Hotness
Winner: Lochte
Do I even need to clarify?
I really don’t think I do.
Instead of writing an orgasmic description on the gift from the gods
that is this perfect specimen we refer to as Ryan, I’m putting Phelps on blast
for being a troll. He should thank sweet
baby Jesus that he is a phenomenal swimmer because that is the ONLY justifiable
benefit of being as freakishly disproportionate as he is. He should also be thankful that swimming just
makes you naturally hot as hell because now his cut body can distract you from
his horse mouth and elf ears, making him fit the description of a creature from
the Chronicles of Narnia.
Category 3: Endorsements
Winner: Lochte
I was gonna be a
spokesman, then I got high. –Afroman
ft. Michael Phelps, 2009.
Who wants to blaze with Michael Phelps? Kellogg’s certainly doesn’t. Michael Phelps’ phlop back in 2009 really cut a knife through his expected combined 100 million dollar endorsement paychecks. Lochte still holds down a wholesome and drug-free appearance, putting him at the top of the list. Phelps may have been the face of that decade, but I could not agree more with an article in the New York Times. Phelps is boring. He’s out. He’s just not as hot as Lochte. Lochte has not only scored the cover of Time, a spread in Glamour, and the cover of Vogue, but he also signed new endorsements with Sprint, Nissan, Gatorade, and GILLETTE because he is the EPITOME OF A PERFECT MAN. Not to mention I am obsessed with the Procter & Gamble ads with the tagline "Proud Sponsor of Moms", which features this heart-warming, body chilling video of Ryan through the eyes of his mother (I literally cried...you're made of stone if you don't). It speaks volumes when you can hold down a spread in a non-sports or news related magazine with a target market of self-conscious, cosmopolitan, 20-30 something women. Phelps can get an endorsement because he’s a swimmer, but Ryan can be the face because he’s a demi-god. Not as hot means not as versatile and guess what people? Sex sells. Just ask Kim Kardashian and Ray-j.
Who wants to blaze with Michael Phelps? Kellogg’s certainly doesn’t. Michael Phelps’ phlop back in 2009 really cut a knife through his expected combined 100 million dollar endorsement paychecks. Lochte still holds down a wholesome and drug-free appearance, putting him at the top of the list. Phelps may have been the face of that decade, but I could not agree more with an article in the New York Times. Phelps is boring. He’s out. He’s just not as hot as Lochte. Lochte has not only scored the cover of Time, a spread in Glamour, and the cover of Vogue, but he also signed new endorsements with Sprint, Nissan, Gatorade, and GILLETTE because he is the EPITOME OF A PERFECT MAN. Not to mention I am obsessed with the Procter & Gamble ads with the tagline "Proud Sponsor of Moms", which features this heart-warming, body chilling video of Ryan through the eyes of his mother (I literally cried...you're made of stone if you don't). It speaks volumes when you can hold down a spread in a non-sports or news related magazine with a target market of self-conscious, cosmopolitan, 20-30 something women. Phelps can get an endorsement because he’s a swimmer, but Ryan can be the face because he’s a demi-god. Not as hot means not as versatile and guess what people? Sex sells. Just ask Kim Kardashian and Ray-j.
Ryan Lochte and not-as-pretty lady: Vogue 2012
Category 4: Fan Outreach: Social Media
Winner: Lochte
As a follower of both Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte, you
can tell that both of them have their fair share of times where they are not
the one tweeting (BY THE WAY NOTE TO EITHER OF YOU: I WILL BE YOUR GHOST
TWEETER. WILL WORK FOR FREE. AND IF YOUR
NAME IS RYAN WILL WORK FOR KISSES. SORRY
TROLL.). But I would like to point out
the generous nature of Ryan. He is
always giving away his merchandise and holding contests to personally reach out
to followers. He is more involved in his
social media, potentially because at the peak of Phelps’ popularity back in
2008, social media was not quite so mandatory or popular. To that, I say, get with it Michael. I’m going to mention Lochte everyday of the
Olympics and hope for a retweet.
Category 5: Swimming
Winner: Phelps.
Who cares? OK, I care a little bit and I am enamored by his
accomplishments. I hope to see him make
history and I attest that he has the mental capacity for swimming that no one
else has. I wholeheartedly believe he
will pull it out over Lochte. But have you never heard that first is the worst,
second is the best?? Third guy probably just has a shaved chest.
Overall, Lochte is more than just a swimmer. He’s a total babe who smokes marijuana in the
privacy of his own basement. He is an
esteemed underdog and the freshest face the Olympics has to offer. In my dreams, he’s also an intellectual
dog-lover who enjoys funny YouTube videos and Cool Ranch Doritos, looking for a
Colombian-italian 20-something girl who he thinks is cute as a button.
Maybe Phelps will get the gold, but Lochte will ALWAYS get
the girl.
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