4 Things NOT To do in a Lonely Elevator

As a piggyback to my previous post, I would like to make it clear that a lonely elevator is not an excuse to abandon discretion.  There are a lot of things to consider when choosing the activity you were granted as the universe's way of rewarding you for changing every "&" to the word and in a 130 page document. Time and space are huge factors, but don't overlook things like, volume, that could lead to an embarrassing exit. 


Here are some suggestions of what should be saved for post-work hours: 

Pass Gas- In the words of the Austin Powers character Fat B*stard, “Everyone likes the smell of their own brand”.  It’s undeniable that you are much less bothered by your own slip-up than the wretched gassing of someone else.  But no matter how long you’ve been waiting to release something that is COMPLETELY NATURAL, the lonesome elevator is not a safe haven.  Even if you are so fortunate as to ride the elevator all the way to your destination without picking up passengers along the way, you can at least guarantee someone will be waiting at your stop in the lobby.  Passing gas and dashing out does not mean people won’t remember your face and start referring to you as the “fleeting fart”.  You’re better off emitting a silent but deadly in a crowded elevator. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.  Whoever denied it, supplied it.

Begin the process of re-tucking your shirt in- So you just checked yourself out and you realize that you could create the illusion of being 10 pounds lighter if you could only adjust your shirt tuck.  After all, 20-30 seconds is, once again, the PERFECT amount of time for such an activity.  So, alone in the elevator, you unbutton your pants and slide your hand around the brim of your tighty whities. All of a sudden, your car gets called to an unexpected floor just as you’re rounding out to the finish line of the backside.  But your belt is still open and your pants are still unbuttoned, and the 3-5 second door separation lag is not long enough.  The fact that, AT THE VERY BEST, the closest you will get to returning to normalcy is notching your belt as the doors open leaves the mind to wander to places you cannot recover from.  Save the re-tuck for the post-hand wash….let’s make that the pre-hand wash.

Sing- I’m going to keep this short.  Newsflash: If you can hear the little “dinging” signifying the passing of each floor from the elevator bay, you can hear anything. Don’t sing. People can hear you.  I don’t care if you’re Celine Dion.  There’s a time and a place, people.

Stand Extremely Close to the doors- So maybe you don’t like a lonely elevator because you’re a little claustrophobic, or it metaphorically reminds you of being stuck on a free-fall of being forever alone in life (seek therapy). You are itching to get off, and it now becomes socially acceptable to stand RIGHT up against the doors since no one else is there.  We’re talking close enough that you could lick the doors easier that you could lick your nose. But guess what?  When those doors open, someone else will most likely be standing just as close on the other side, eager to begin their moving-box journey.  Now you are faced with the inevitably awkward situations of being closer than you get to your grandmother, or worse, anticipating each other’s avoidance move, but then obviously moving in mirrored directions forcing the classic “Ooh! Ops! Haha. (pause, forced eye contact) Sorry!” as you scurry past.  The doors don’t taste good.  Back up.