4 Things to Do in a Lonely Elevator

I rant and rave everyday about the annoyance of having to be the one lucky person picked to share a seat on the entire train car.  I attest that it is always me because I am a normal-sized girl who looks comparatively more approachable than the tranny doing her (his?) make-up behind me. I enjoy my alone time as one in a seat for two and revel when I ride solo for the entire journey. 

After working in a one floor building last year, I am a newbie to the logistics and quirks of elevator riding this summer.  Standing in a box the size of my powder room, people dodging glances, the occasional whispered conversation that everyone can obviously hear, the etiquette of greeting and exiting with awkward head nods and muttered one-syllable salutations; the list goes on and on.  I won't even get started on the protocol of holding the elevator and the nasty glances given when you don't stick your hand in the now-7-inch gap because you want to keep your left hand intact for decoration. Too late, I got started. My point is that, shockingly, I find nothing more enjoyable in an office environment than riding the elevator alone. 

When I do get this rare treat, I seize every moment and make use of my time to do whatever I want behind the privacy of steel doors...as long as it can be done in 30 seconds or less.  Here are some activities I've enjoyed doing and recommend to make the most out of your personal elevator sanctuary: 

1. Stretch- Depending on how high up in a building you are, your decent could take 20-30 seconds from on-boarding to exiting.  Well guess what else is, coincidentally, effectively executed in 20-30 seconds? Stretching!! Pick one stretch, any stretch, and hold it while you descend from corporate altitudes down to the streets of the plebeians. Touch your toes.  Throw a leg up on the side balance bars and get that nose to your knee.  You’ll feel de-stressed and in much better condition for your city-walk saunter.

2. Sit- The beauty of the elevator, no matter how fast it may be, is that upon reaching the floor of your choice, there is a good 3-5 second lag time in elevator door separation.  This is obviously for safety reasons so you don’t jump the gun and go plummeting to your death like Zorg in Toy Story 2, although I think we’re all noting in our minds how it would be SO cool to ride atop the elevator car.  Just got off of a sweaty man sandwich on the subway? Don’t feel like standing? Take a load off. Sit down against the wall and enjoy your ride before you have to deal with the chair that must have been invented before the “lumbar” portion of the back was discovered.  You’ll have plenty of time to get up before any elevator intruders catch you.

3. Check Yourself Out- It should be a crime to have elevators without mirrors.  Want to increase office productivity, managers? Less mirrors in the bathroom, more mirrors in the elevators. It’s multi-tasking at its finest.  Forget the post-hand washing self-scrutiny.  That’s what the elevator ride is for. As stated previously, 20-30 seconds is enough time to do a whole lot, and that includes checking your hair, make-up, and beautiful self. Play around with sucking in your gut and adjusting your pants to just the right thinning illusion. Comb your mustache.  Smile, and tell yourself, “Hey handsome, you rocked that presentation on synergy!”
But don’t do it while other people are around! Come on, do you want to seem that vain?

4. Dance- Yeah, you can “dance” around in an elevator with moves like Jagger and a ridiculous grin on your face; how comically elementary of you.  This is serious. It mainly only works if you have been trained in dance, but an elevator is the perfect space for practicing essentials such as leg extensions, pirouettes, and small jumps.  Challenge yourself and try to do a small jump at the brink of your descent to get the sensation of achieving maximum height.  Don't sign up for a So You Think You Can Dance audition just yet, but all this practice may be good enough for the company talent show. 

I'm ridin' solo.