Lochte vs. Phelps—Let’s not talk about swimming

As a former swimmer myself, I can say I enjoy the Olympic swimming more than most people.  It makes me feel like I have a special connection since I once swam the 50 free and own a pair of goggles.  In 2008, I also pretended to be a much better swimmer than I was so that I could get my own 3 -minute segment story (literally starring me) on ABC 6 Action News of how I work as hard as Michael Phelps because he is my role model. I like to think I understand the difficulty of their training regarding both physical and mental stamina…then I remember that I quit the swim team with 3 weeks left of my senior year.  And then I remember that if anyone made me swim more than 4 laps, lifeguards started getting ready for action.

We’ll just chalk it all up to cognitive dissonance.

Anyway, anyone who is not in a coma should know that the big show to watch is the Lochte vs. Phelps showdown in the 200 and 400 IM.  In the pool, I am an adoring fan of both of them and could not care less which way the race goes.  Outside of the pool is a different story.  Let’s talk about Lochte vs. Phelps: The Men Behind the Goggles. Who is TRULY the winner of something bigger than the Olympics?: LIFE.

Category 1: Fashion

Winner: Lochte

FUN FACT: Lochte owns over 130 pairs of shoes. 
FUN FACT: Lochte has his own amateur clothing line. 
FUN FACT:  If Lochte could be anything but an Olympic swimmer, he’d work in the fashion industry.  When the man isn’t donning a banana hammock, he’s the best dressed athlete at the games. Ralph Lauren chose him as a model for the ceremonies for the opening ceremonies because he has tied the gap between the world of athletics and aesthetics. With the amount of track suits I’ve seen Michael Phelps in, I can’t help but wonder if he thinks this is a 70’s disco.  He can’t even hold a candle to the pride Lochte takes in his appearance.  Which brings me to my next point…  

Category 2: Hotness

Winner: Lochte

Do I even need to clarify?  I really don’t think I do.  Instead of writing an orgasmic description on the gift from the gods that is this perfect specimen we refer to as Ryan, I’m putting Phelps on blast for being a troll.  He should thank sweet baby Jesus that he is a phenomenal swimmer because that is the ONLY justifiable benefit of being as freakishly disproportionate as he is.  He should also be thankful that swimming just makes you naturally hot as hell because now his cut body can distract you from his horse mouth and elf ears, making him fit the description of a creature from the Chronicles of Narnia.

Category 3: Endorsements

Winner: Lochte

I was gonna be a spokesman, then I got high.  –Afroman ft. Michael Phelps, 2009.
Who wants to blaze with Michael Phelps? Kellogg’s certainly doesn’t.  Michael Phelps’ phlop back in 2009 really cut a knife through his expected combined 100 million dollar endorsement paychecks.  Lochte still holds down a wholesome and drug-free appearance, putting him at the top of the list. Phelps may have been the face of that decade, but I could not agree more with an article in the New York Times.  Phelps is boring.  He’s out.  He’s just not as hot as Lochte.  Lochte has not only scored the cover of Time, a spread in Glamour, and the cover of Vogue, but he also signed new endorsements with Sprint, Nissan, Gatorade, and GILLETTE because he is the EPITOME OF A PERFECT MAN. Not to mention I am obsessed with the Procter & Gamble ads with the tagline "Proud Sponsor of Moms", which features this heart-warming, body chilling video of Ryan through the eyes of his mother (I literally cried...you're made of stone if you don't). It speaks volumes when you can hold down a spread in a non-sports or news related magazine with a target market of self-conscious, cosmopolitan, 20-30 something women. Phelps can get an endorsement because he’s a swimmer, but Ryan can be the face because he’s a demi-god. Not as hot means not as versatile and guess what people? Sex sells. Just ask Kim Kardashian and Ray-j.

Ryan Lochte and not-as-pretty lady: Vogue 2012

Category 4: Fan Outreach: Social Media

Winner: Lochte

As a follower of both Michael Phelps and Ryan Lochte, you can tell that both of them have their fair share of times where they are not the one tweeting (BY THE WAY NOTE TO EITHER OF YOU: I WILL BE YOUR GHOST TWEETER.  WILL WORK FOR FREE. AND IF YOUR NAME IS RYAN WILL WORK FOR KISSES.  SORRY TROLL.).  But I would like to point out the generous nature of Ryan.  He is always giving away his merchandise and holding contests to personally reach out to followers.  He is more involved in his social media, potentially because at the peak of Phelps’ popularity back in 2008, social media was not quite so mandatory or popular.  To that, I say, get with it Michael.  I’m going to mention Lochte everyday of the Olympics and hope for a retweet.

Category 5: Swimming

Winner: Phelps.

Who cares? OK, I care a little bit and I am enamored by his accomplishments.  I hope to see him make history and I attest that he has the mental capacity for swimming that no one else has.  I wholeheartedly believe he will pull it out over Lochte. But have you never heard that first is the worst, second is the best?? Third guy probably just has a shaved chest.

Overall, Lochte is more than just a swimmer.  He’s a total babe who smokes marijuana in the privacy of his own basement.  He is an esteemed underdog and the freshest face the Olympics has to offer.  In my dreams, he’s also an intellectual dog-lover who enjoys funny YouTube videos and Cool Ranch Doritos, looking for a Colombian-italian 20-something girl who he thinks is cute as a button.

Maybe Phelps will get the gold, but Lochte will ALWAYS get the girl. 

RIP George Jefferson- A look at 70's TV

Yesterday we lost a great man.  He's finally movin' on up to that deluxe apartment in the sky-y.  Rest in Peace, George Jefferson. 


To honor his great work done in the television industry, from sitcoms, to catch-phrases, to countless cameos, I'd like to take a moment to highlight one of the cornerstones of his time: 70's TV. 


I was fortunate enough to have a mother that opened my eyes to the joy of Nick-at-Nite back in the 90's with "Block Party Summer", featuring the Brady Bunch, I Love Lucy (yeah, I know that was the 50's, relax), Andy Griffith (also RIP), Gilligan's Island, Happy Days,  Bewitched, Diff'rent Strokes, The Jeffersons, and I Dream of Genie. This is just to name a few! Millenials really missed out on this era of television; wholesome plot lines, all-American family structure, fashion sense, and catchy theme songs. Let's explore what I learned: 


All in the Family:  Archie Bunker was the pioneer of the "acceptable-racism" model.  If you take an excessively ignorant, fat, and overly characteristic white man and put him as a counter-part to a sensitive, big-nosed, vocally cursed wife, and THEN you make them both play the piano and perform the theme song to their own show, that character can say whatever he wants.  Does this ring a bell? 

The Brady Bunch:  Here's the story of a lovely lady who really put her children in an awkward position when she moved them into a house at a hormonal age with 3 equally aged and hormonal boys they did not know and are now forced to call brothers...with a connecting bathroom...that didn't even have a toilet.  Is it just me, or did anyone else think Greg and Marcia had on-screen chemistry? You're telling me that with all the vulnerable middle child problems Jan had, she never questioned her identity, thinking of Peter as more than her brotherly counterpart (especially when his voice changed)? They're not blood related, after all. Thanks to this show I learned the term incest.  On an even more cynical note, I blame the Brady Bunch for all of my discontent and post-childhood psychological issues with my family life upbringing. I was forced to believe that the secret to a happy family was singing and dancing in unison.  None of the occurred and my attempts were stifled. But to end positively, I did learn the fundamentals of adolescent adjustment: 
When it's time to change you've got to rearrange who you are into what you're gonna be. 
                                -Aristotle  -Peter Brady

Gilligan's Island: Forget Castaway.  This sitcom should be the official spokes-show of the Boyscouts, exemplifying what it means to "Always be Prepared" for unforeseen survival in harsh conditions.  First things first: When you go on a three hour tour (a three hour tour) bring all of your clothes.  If you are as rich as the Howells, bring all of your riches.  If they hadn't brought all of their clothes, how would everyone (but Gilligan) have new clothes on each day?? Second: Pack light.  Maybe if they hadn't brought all of their clothes on a three hour tour (a three hour tour) their tiny ship, the S.S. Minnow, would have been stable enough to endure when the weather started getting rough.  Third:  Everyone has innate survival instincts such as how to wire coconut phones and build sturdy straw houses, regardless of electrical wiring and plumbing systems available on a deserted island.  It doesn't matter what you studied in college.  If you get shipwrecked, you just know how to do these things.  

Happy Days: Leather jackets: Cool.  Thumbs up: Cool.  Creepy tagline "AAYYY": Cool.  Dropping out of High School: Cool.  Richie Cunningham: Nerd...until no one remembers you because you're a really successful director.

All poking fun aside, my fondest memories of television come from watching Nick-at-Nite when I was a kid.  I yearn for the days of bell-bottoms, laugh-tracks, and a regular-old good time. Now I am faced with the same feeling of nostalgia, but utter reality, that comes with getting older.  Friends is on Nick-at-Nite.  Where has the time gone? 


RIP George Jefferson, Andy Griffith, Gary Coleman, Lucille Ball, Dezi Arnaz, Robert Reed, and all the other greats of my mother's childhood and mine.  Thanks for trying to pretend like you depicted reality, but really giving us something better than that: an escape from it all. 

Who is hosting the 2012 Olympics: London or Facebook?

Recently, Facebook and NBC struck a mutually beneficial deal over promotion of the Olympics.  Facebook would obviously be promoting game coverage, event schedules, and all press related broadcasts while NBC would use their commentators to push viewers onto Facebook. Once again, social TV at its finest.

At first, I was a bit disheartened to hear that such a deal had been executed.  The Olympics inspires national pride, international unity, and a peaceful awareness that some of the hardest working people the world has to offer can show up to amaze the world and still be a good sport about it in the end.  Striking a deal with Facebook seemed to take the focus off of the athleticism and joy of watching the event so that I may redirect my focus to advertising and clouded newsfeeds.

As I grew uneasy trying to pinpoint exactly why I was trying to ostracize Facebook from the Olympics and lucrative business deals, I became frustrated.  The only thing I could up with was a vague statement on how NBC’s focus on Facebook is taking away from the “essence” of the Olympics.  The essence?  Would that mean that I’m saying that Facebook is taking away from the athleticism of it all?  Certainly that would be a shallow and undervaluing statement to my one true love Ryan Lochte (I never meant to hurt you , baby.  Please forgive my deviant thoughts.)  I really did not know why I felt so negatively about this deal.  It is hardly any different than Proctor and Gamble being a “proud sponsor”; 2 companies benefitting from each others’ services and publicity. 

After much thought, I stumbled onto an answer that will give me a dose of clarity for now.  My unrest is simply rooted in the principle of change. I see Facebook intruding upon a tradition that is centuries old.  While I am an avid social media fan and believe in its benefits religiously, I am apprehensive to mix tradition with technology and have a stigma that technology is polluting the purities of a unique event like the Olympics. As self-righteous as I may be, I don’t think this is the way to think.

Regardless of what anyone says, social media is here to stay and Facebook is a front-runner.  No other platform acts as a cloud to store all of your contacts, photos, and chronicles of interaction.  Facebook is writing our histories so that we can have and share memories long before it is over.  Just like the television set became an integral part of family life, Facebook will too.  For years television was exonerated until it reached a point of obsession, spurring concern.  Traditionalists claimed it was taking away from the communicative family dynamic and efforts to promote talk-time, unified dinners, and limited television consumption ran the nation.  We stand at the climax of Facebook in the wake of the IPO and, just as television endured, the time-consumption the social media site takes up in our lives is under intense criticism.  The entire baby boomer generation now dabbles in Facebook, from mothers, to grandmothers, to keep up with old friends and monitor Millennials. We hustle and fuss to arrive at the denouement where stabilization occurs and, ironically enough, going back to sitting around the TV for hours becomes the family time we are looking for (anything to avoid Facebook chatting your brother in the same room).  

What I am suggesting is that we accept that Facebook is becoming an essential and norm in every American household, just like the television.  No one would ever dream of gathering around the family radio to listen to the Lochte-Phelps show-down because the television has become such a standard. We should not see it as an evil empire looking to destroy American and cultural traditions, but rather one that can enhance our lives and viewing experience of something like the Olympics when the novelty wears off and we finally learn to achieve moderation.  The most global “contact” Americans experienced 20 years ago was watching athlete interaction during the Barcelona Olympics. Today, Facebook can connect us to a network of knowledge, contacts, and information from across the globe at the click of a button or a tap of a key. One single person can reach more people he could in a lifetime in, literally, an instant.  This is where people are spending their time. This is how to communicate personally, commercially, or capitalistically.  NBC took their business so that their global broadcast can also become global interaction and I can now respect that the network sees that times they are-a changin’.

My New Job Title: Chief Executive Intern

Malcolm Gladwell, a great author for anyone interested in self-study psychology, writes of an example in his book, Blink, about snap judgments.  In short form, there was an experiment done where a world-renowned concert violinist played in a DC metro stop, dressed in street clothes, for hours and hours.  One person recognized him and his work and enjoyed a concerto she would normally be playing hundreds of dollars for. He made about 10 dollars that day, as you can imagine, because he was written off simply by appearance as a mediocre street performer.

It’s worth an analytical moment to acknowledge what it is that denotes power and prestiege in a work place beyond title. Say, for example, you were never told who the boss was or how the rankings went. On day 1 it was your job to organize that in your own head. What are the indicators?  Is it tone of voice?  Others’ opinions of the person? Office size?  I imagine it wouldn’t take long to figure it out.

Today, for me, the tables have turned.  I am exonerated by my appearance as a lone cubicle dweller. Here’s why:

Many times I am my own boss.  On Tuesdays and Thursdays, a series of events often leaves me in control of my work day when the 1^st, 2^nd, and 3^rd in command are all busy saving the world from epidemics…literally. I work in a small department, so I am 4^th and last in command.  There are several other students working here this summer that I rarely interact with.  That’s what happens when you get your own cubicle because you are the personal Microsoft office guru for the ever-learning 1^st in command.  They all share a table with their laptops while I live the cushy life, answering my personal office phone, which is usually my grandmother calling ever since my mother handed out the number like it was welfare.

In reality, I am no better than they are. I am probably less valuable, in fact.  They are all working on a study as pre-med and nursing majors, researching things on sites other than WebMD.  Excuse me, PowerPoints don’t just make themselves.

But a few actions of the day spoke volumes about the hierarchy.  Because of my office and abundant interaction with the full-time employees (by sheer coincidence and location), I am head of the interns.  Big Intern Kahuna.  iBoss. iChief. At least that’s what they think, because this was news to me until 3 hours ago.

Indicator #1:

One of the interns wandered into my cubicle and said my name.  She knows my name, and I do not know hers.  We have never been introduced and I had actually never seen her more than once around the office since she works in the other suite.  Since the incident, I have since asked for her name.

Indicator #2:

She asked my permission to use a computer in an empty office.  My first reaction, and what I said was, “Sure, go ahead!”  Until I realized that she just asked me permission to do something over which I had no power or concern, and yet there I was approving her request.

Indicator #3:

She thanked me for approving the request. Now it’s getting real.

Indicator #4:

She curtseyed and told me “Good day, Master”.  Just kidding.

Indicator #5:

Another intern asked me when he should get these back to me, when my boss told me to ask him to look something over that I had written.  Now I’m setting deadlines for these people. Then he thanked me. The thanking is really the key. 

This is why psychology is great.  This is also why you can occasionally find complete bimbos leading our nation’s corporate front-runners.  It seems to be all about appearances, confidence, and a little bit of going with the flow; improv , if you will.  All I had to do was sit in a secluded part of the office in a cubicle and have my name dropped by the boss lady a couple times to be deemed Head of Intern Activity. Maybe my new and sophisticated glasses frames helped too.  This seems much easier than trying to get ahead by making good grades and being “legit”. Do you concur?

Are you a TV socialite?

My dad used to tell me if I sat right in front of the TV, my eyes would turn square.  That was the least of his worries, come to think of it.  I am a product of the Stick Stickley, Snick, and slime infested gameshows of 90’s Nickelodeon.  I frequently recite the Eliza Thornberry monologue at zoos.  I hold every guy I meet to the gallant standards of Arnold (no last name given…ever.)  I worship Keenan Thompson, pine for C-list cameos of Lori Beth Denberg, and find my wardrobe inspiration from the closet of Clarissa, who still can explain it all.  I attest that while my father was deeply concerned for my eyesight, there was a cerebral meltdown going on with the ingestion of every Catdog episode.

Ingestion.  That’s all it really was from the 90's back to the birth of TV.  Sitting in a zombie-like trance in front of the tube, minds like a sponge, soaking up the quotes I can still recite today (“WATER IS FOR QUITTERS”…pun intended).  

Audio/visual in, nothing out.   Any type of viewer-to-screen dialogue while watching TV, despite what dad thought while yelling obscenities during a playoff game, did not exist.  The closest I ever got was signing up for the Mary-Kate and Ashley fan club, when I received my starter kit a month later with a “personal message” from the twins.  The most multi-tasking done while watching TV was biting the shapes out of a Fruit Roll-Up.  Further, there was no interaction with a brother, sister, friend across the street, or random kid in Boise, Idaho.  Why would I even care what was happening in Boise anyway?  Isn’t that, like, the place where they make my walkman speakers?

Is that still the case today?  Sure, there still exists the group of Americans who choose to simply ingest, watching re-runs of Cops, cheesin’ up the remote control with their Dorito fingers. The rest of us are cheesin’ up something else: laptop keyboard, blackberry trackpads, and iPhone touch screens.  With the rise of perpetual social media and smartphone communication, I have become enthralled with social TV, and I bet many people reading this have been too without even realizing. The new day has come where viewers sit in front of the television wielding a snack, the remote control, a smartphone, and chances are, a laptop as well, ready to fire out social media bullets at the drop of a quote or breaking news story. The new “I” word is Interaction and the television industry has caught on, more than most viewers are consciously aware. 

On the programming side, talk-TV dominates viewer interaction beyond the studio audience.  Many show hosts collect viewer tweets or Facebook photos before or even during the show.  In my opinion, Andy Cohen’s Watch What Happens Live! on the Bravo TV network is a paradigm to all hosts.  For one example of many, viewer social media interaction with the show’s accounts are read and filtered through right on the spot, allowing Andy to ask the questions about which viewers inquire most to his guests of the night.  The content is nothing but fresh off the viewer minds.  Social media and the actual program benefit mutually from this tactic of interaction, driving traffic to both platforms simultaneously.  It is a push-pull method where those watching the show are pushed to social media, while those on social media are pulled into the show to become more informed.  

Even niche market syndicated shows like Workaholics, a Comedy Central sitcom, subtly tap into viewer preferences and key moments of entertainment.  The network tastefully places a hashtag in the lower left hand corner of the screen of a quote or word that is symbolic to the show which opens up a wealth of audience information as well as publicity from a universal trend.  For a viewer like me, this hashtag also allows me to see that I’m not the only one who things the word “butthard” is funny.

On the commercial side, however; things have not progressed in such a prolific manner.  As if avoiding commercials by holding in your bowel movements for that 3 minute break, flipping the channel, or microwaving some popcorn was not bad enough for companies, such social media and smartphone activities drive attention even further away from their mass advertising efforts.  It could be said that commercial breaks come as a welcomed excuse for viewers to log onto Facebook and see what’s going on, making the fact that no one changed the channel nothing for companies to be excited about.  Aside from the recent push for mobile ads and a pre-existing scramble for coveted internet ad space, companies had to get more creative to engage viewers in the same way programming did.  Interestingly, they found a way to make consumption via TV ads almost as instantaneous as online shopping through a new app called TV Tak.  Watch the video below if you didn’t already allocate the next 37 seconds for tweeting about how great this blog post is.

Interactive TV Commercials from TvTak on Vimeo.

I was astounded to find out the level of social TV happening during the famous Super Bowl ads. A great example, unsurprisingly, were the Coke polar bears which appeared about 3 or 4 times.  Coca-Cola was channeling viewer reactions to the game in order to come up with several “fresh-out-the-oven” commercials that aggregated plays in the game and fan social media responses through the actions of the polar bears. The polar bear reactions continued on the brand’s Facebook account, driving traffic back to social media and creating more viewer content to draw from for their next commercial.  See what they did there?

Aside from the fact that our family TV no longer doubles as a shelf for a small tree, nutcracker, and 5 snowglobes during the Christmas season, things in my family room have changed.  I care what @Potat_hoe in Boise, Idaho is saying as long as she has the same hashtag as me about the Jimmy Fallon show.  Chances are that Jimmy cares what we’re saying as well (or at least someone hired to care about it for him does).  I need that power surge strip to charge my electronics so I can be on Facebook chat.  I follow Spongebob on Twitter now so that I don’t need to watch Nickelodeon all day to catch one episode anymore.  I mean, like, not that I watch it ever, or anything…Fruit roll-ups on the couch are a thing of the past because they make my iPhone screen sticky.  I digress from simply calling myself a TV viewer.  I am a television socialite now, and you can join my exclusive circle by clicking here: https://twitter.com/GoEsco25

Productive things to do when you have no "Projects" to do

Let this be a disclaimer that I use the word “productive” in an alternative sense.  No, this will in no way be productive for whatever your job may be.  I’m assuming that if you have free time on your hands, you also have paper cuts on your hands from all that envelope stuffing you finished.  And that you’ve completed the work set out for you.  Great stapling, you guys.  Keep it up.

I use “productive” as an encompassing term for “Not G-chatting, Facebook browsing, Facebook chatting, or tweeting”.  (Although, as an aside, I would like to state that, depending on whom you follow, I think reading you Twitter feed is an extremely productive break to take, as I’ve learned more relevant and globe-wide information from it in 30 seconds than I did watching “Action News”.  I’m sorry, but if you’re calling “Heat Means Business for Local Ice Company” a top story, you should change your name to “Action Snooze”.)  I also would put a hint of suggestion that it does not include creating office supply art.  These activities all involve a productive pursuit of information that can enrich your relationships, taste and knowledge… and not look blatantly obvious that you are in no way contributing to company advancement. 

1   1. Google your co-workers:  Before I go any further, I want to say this: Stop judging me for teetering on the edge of stalking.  I am well behind the line. I have a bone to pick with anyone who tells me that Googling people is stalking them.  This information is on the internet.  It is public domain. Stalking implies illicit behavior obtained in evasive and non-consensual ways. NEWSFLASH: If I can see it on the internet, I don’t need your permission to look. This is all fair game.  I know your first name, I know your last name, I know the alphabet, so I can type it into a search bar. Stop doing weird things in life if you don’t want Google to know about it.  If you won’t accept my compliment of how cute your 2010 holiday picture-card of you and your dog playfully wrestling in your living room is and you’re not going to appreciate the congratulations I’m giving you for coming in 54^th out of 60 in the Turkey Trot winter track classic, then you need an attitude adjustment. Or you need to start signing information release waivers/terms of privacy forms more carefully. 

Anyway, now that I’ve made my opinion on the matter clear, Googling your co-workers is a perfectly legal and engaging activity to do in your free time.  Chances are that they Googled you before your interview, too. (Have you checked what the internet is offering up about you lately? Run, don’t walk….) Forget stalking people on Facebook.  Facebook is amateur hour wearing rose colored glasses; it only shows what the page owner wants you to see. Google is the no-holds-bar jungle for the nitty-gritty details of the past and present. 

For example, I found out that one of my co-workers did some amateur modeling in 2008 and he has many glamour shots plastered on the internet (which would be perfectly legal for me to share on this blog post but I’m not going to because I’m learning to have internet manners…although if I did share it I would hope he would thank me for the free publicity). I also found out that another one is into theater and that he just recently starred in a community production of “Oklahoma!” .  Maybe if people knew he spent his evening hours in long rehearsals they would cut him some slack on coming in late. All I have to say is WOW! How was I supposed to know that these two nurses were so involved with the arts when you would never think of the two to go hand-in-hand?  And wouldn’t you agree that these are some pretty good leads for conversation that can develop into fruitful work-place friendships? There you have it: productivity.

“Hey, I just met you, and this is crazy, but I saw this picture, is that you on the runway?”

   2.  Merriam-Webster games: There are few things more unimpressive than someone with a menial vocabulary. Like…did you just skip that part of the SATs?  All pretentious sarcasm aside, it’s not a bad idea to expand your vocabulary as you begin to enter the adult world and recuperate the brain cells you lost to Pinnacle Whipped. But alas, this website is more than just a dictionary.  If you have anything more than an 10^th grade education, this website can boost your confidence and ego through their daily quizzes.  Quizzes range from trivia true-and-false to visual and verbal vocabulary tests and are different each time you take them. The best part is that, at the end, they tell you where you rank in the pool of quiz-takers overall and for your age.  So if no one’s telling you that you’re a genius at the office after you spent all that time alphabetizing the file folders, take this quiz to enrich your knowledge and feel a moment of triumphant superiority in your low-totem pole job.  Once again: productivity.

   3. Randora: Everyone listens to music in the office, as it is acceptable practice and links to  increased PRODUCTIVITY, what do ya know?!  Listening to music is office protocol and Pandora is the front-runner to provide that service.  It helps you listen to your favorite artists while learning a new song or two along the way.  Look how cultured you can become when a Spanish song pops on your Shakira radio! This is a game I created after my friend told me she was listening to Samantha Mumba Pandora radio.  I’m sorry, what? Do you know who Samantha Mumba is? (See: NOW  6)   If you don’t, then you obviously weren’t trying to be hipster and unique in third grade by doing your music class presentation on her instead of Britney or Christina…not that I did that…did you know she’s African-American from Ireland?

Moving on.  The point is that my first thought was, “What a random artist.  I wonder what comes on that station?” Well, from curiosity grew greatness: Randora. Pick the most random artist you can think of.  Type it in, and watch your music horizons expand to territories you would never guess.  You could even turn it into a “6 Degrees of Separation” type deal and try to get from the Baha Men to Mozart based on jumping from random station to random station.  

Baha Men Pandora Station Song Selections:

Eifel 65- Blue (da ba dee)

Smashmouth- I’m a Believer

Alvin and the Chipmunks- “Witch Doctor”

Haddaway- “What is Love?”

Queen- “We Will Rock You”.

And it just gets better and better…it’s on to Eifel 65 radio for me, right after a stroll down memory lane….

4 Things NOT To do in a Lonely Elevator

As a piggyback to my previous post, I would like to make it clear that a lonely elevator is not an excuse to abandon discretion.  There are a lot of things to consider when choosing the activity you were granted as the universe's way of rewarding you for changing every "&" to the word and in a 130 page document. Time and space are huge factors, but don't overlook things like, volume, that could lead to an embarrassing exit. 


Here are some suggestions of what should be saved for post-work hours: 

Pass Gas- In the words of the Austin Powers character Fat B*stard, “Everyone likes the smell of their own brand”.  It’s undeniable that you are much less bothered by your own slip-up than the wretched gassing of someone else.  But no matter how long you’ve been waiting to release something that is COMPLETELY NATURAL, the lonesome elevator is not a safe haven.  Even if you are so fortunate as to ride the elevator all the way to your destination without picking up passengers along the way, you can at least guarantee someone will be waiting at your stop in the lobby.  Passing gas and dashing out does not mean people won’t remember your face and start referring to you as the “fleeting fart”.  You’re better off emitting a silent but deadly in a crowded elevator. Whoever smelt it, dealt it.  Whoever denied it, supplied it.

Begin the process of re-tucking your shirt in- So you just checked yourself out and you realize that you could create the illusion of being 10 pounds lighter if you could only adjust your shirt tuck.  After all, 20-30 seconds is, once again, the PERFECT amount of time for such an activity.  So, alone in the elevator, you unbutton your pants and slide your hand around the brim of your tighty whities. All of a sudden, your car gets called to an unexpected floor just as you’re rounding out to the finish line of the backside.  But your belt is still open and your pants are still unbuttoned, and the 3-5 second door separation lag is not long enough.  The fact that, AT THE VERY BEST, the closest you will get to returning to normalcy is notching your belt as the doors open leaves the mind to wander to places you cannot recover from.  Save the re-tuck for the post-hand wash….let’s make that the pre-hand wash.

Sing- I’m going to keep this short.  Newsflash: If you can hear the little “dinging” signifying the passing of each floor from the elevator bay, you can hear anything. Don’t sing. People can hear you.  I don’t care if you’re Celine Dion.  There’s a time and a place, people.

Stand Extremely Close to the doors- So maybe you don’t like a lonely elevator because you’re a little claustrophobic, or it metaphorically reminds you of being stuck on a free-fall of being forever alone in life (seek therapy). You are itching to get off, and it now becomes socially acceptable to stand RIGHT up against the doors since no one else is there.  We’re talking close enough that you could lick the doors easier that you could lick your nose. But guess what?  When those doors open, someone else will most likely be standing just as close on the other side, eager to begin their moving-box journey.  Now you are faced with the inevitably awkward situations of being closer than you get to your grandmother, or worse, anticipating each other’s avoidance move, but then obviously moving in mirrored directions forcing the classic “Ooh! Ops! Haha. (pause, forced eye contact) Sorry!” as you scurry past.  The doors don’t taste good.  Back up.

4 Things to Do in a Lonely Elevator

I rant and rave everyday about the annoyance of having to be the one lucky person picked to share a seat on the entire train car.  I attest that it is always me because I am a normal-sized girl who looks comparatively more approachable than the tranny doing her (his?) make-up behind me. I enjoy my alone time as one in a seat for two and revel when I ride solo for the entire journey. 

After working in a one floor building last year, I am a newbie to the logistics and quirks of elevator riding this summer.  Standing in a box the size of my powder room, people dodging glances, the occasional whispered conversation that everyone can obviously hear, the etiquette of greeting and exiting with awkward head nods and muttered one-syllable salutations; the list goes on and on.  I won't even get started on the protocol of holding the elevator and the nasty glances given when you don't stick your hand in the now-7-inch gap because you want to keep your left hand intact for decoration. Too late, I got started. My point is that, shockingly, I find nothing more enjoyable in an office environment than riding the elevator alone. 

When I do get this rare treat, I seize every moment and make use of my time to do whatever I want behind the privacy of steel doors...as long as it can be done in 30 seconds or less.  Here are some activities I've enjoyed doing and recommend to make the most out of your personal elevator sanctuary: 

1. Stretch- Depending on how high up in a building you are, your decent could take 20-30 seconds from on-boarding to exiting.  Well guess what else is, coincidentally, effectively executed in 20-30 seconds? Stretching!! Pick one stretch, any stretch, and hold it while you descend from corporate altitudes down to the streets of the plebeians. Touch your toes.  Throw a leg up on the side balance bars and get that nose to your knee.  You’ll feel de-stressed and in much better condition for your city-walk saunter.

2. Sit- The beauty of the elevator, no matter how fast it may be, is that upon reaching the floor of your choice, there is a good 3-5 second lag time in elevator door separation.  This is obviously for safety reasons so you don’t jump the gun and go plummeting to your death like Zorg in Toy Story 2, although I think we’re all noting in our minds how it would be SO cool to ride atop the elevator car.  Just got off of a sweaty man sandwich on the subway? Don’t feel like standing? Take a load off. Sit down against the wall and enjoy your ride before you have to deal with the chair that must have been invented before the “lumbar” portion of the back was discovered.  You’ll have plenty of time to get up before any elevator intruders catch you.

3. Check Yourself Out- It should be a crime to have elevators without mirrors.  Want to increase office productivity, managers? Less mirrors in the bathroom, more mirrors in the elevators. It’s multi-tasking at its finest.  Forget the post-hand washing self-scrutiny.  That’s what the elevator ride is for. As stated previously, 20-30 seconds is enough time to do a whole lot, and that includes checking your hair, make-up, and beautiful self. Play around with sucking in your gut and adjusting your pants to just the right thinning illusion. Comb your mustache.  Smile, and tell yourself, “Hey handsome, you rocked that presentation on synergy!”
But don’t do it while other people are around! Come on, do you want to seem that vain?

4. Dance- Yeah, you can “dance” around in an elevator with moves like Jagger and a ridiculous grin on your face; how comically elementary of you.  This is serious. It mainly only works if you have been trained in dance, but an elevator is the perfect space for practicing essentials such as leg extensions, pirouettes, and small jumps.  Challenge yourself and try to do a small jump at the brink of your descent to get the sensation of achieving maximum height.  Don't sign up for a So You Think You Can Dance audition just yet, but all this practice may be good enough for the company talent show. 

I'm ridin' solo.